Get a sponsor

Get a sponsor. Get a sponsor. This is what I hear every meeting. I have horrible trust issues. If I let somebody in they are bound to hurt me. Right? They leave. They hurt me. The adult Jessie knows that yes this can be true but it's ok. The little girl Jessie thinks, they don't love me if they leave.

Only person I have let in my life totally and 100% is Brandi. She knows what I feel and how I feel. She knows me. Funny thing is even she can't know me fully cause I don't know me.

Who am I? I am Jessie. I am mom. I am friend. I am gay. I am damaged. I am wanted. I am funny. I am scared. I am alone. I am supported. I am fun. I am sad. I am an alcoholic.

I can't believe I am 36 and just finding who I am. I am excited and nervous at the same time. It's like a new relationship. I love some of my qualities and some bug the shit out of me.

Humans are crazy animals that think so much. Hanging out with Bowser is so much easier sometimes. He loves me no matter what. All he asks for is the essentials. Food, water, exercise and love If he has all these he is content.
He never looks at me and says " why didn't you love me?" He just knows! He knows.

The meeting tonight was intense. A bit overwhelming. I am still awake and it's almost midnight. I sit with a pit of Anxiety. But I feel hopeful. I loved the sunset tonight. I wanted to lie in it. I am grateful I got to see it again.

Excited for the nice weekend. What comes will come.

Peace and love.

J.