Get a sponsor

Get a sponsor. Get a sponsor. This is what I hear every meeting. I have horrible trust issues. If I let somebody in they are bound to hurt me. Right? They leave. They hurt me. The adult Jessie knows that yes this can be true but it's ok. The little girl Jessie thinks, they don't love me if they leave.

Only person I have let in my life totally and 100% is Brandi. She knows what I feel and how I feel. She knows me. Funny thing is even she can't know me fully cause I don't know me.

Who am I? I am Jessie. I am mom. I am friend. I am gay. I am damaged. I am wanted. I am funny. I am scared. I am alone. I am supported. I am fun. I am sad. I am an alcoholic.

I can't believe I am 36 and just finding who I am. I am excited and nervous at the same time. It's like a new relationship. I love some of my qualities and some bug the shit out of me.

Humans are crazy animals that think so much. Hanging out with Bowser is so much easier sometimes. He loves me no matter what. All he asks for is the essentials. Food, water, exercise and love If he has all these he is content.
He never looks at me and says " why didn't you love me?" He just knows! He knows.

The meeting tonight was intense. A bit overwhelming. I am still awake and it's almost midnight. I sit with a pit of Anxiety. But I feel hopeful. I loved the sunset tonight. I wanted to lie in it. I am grateful I got to see it again.

Excited for the nice weekend. What comes will come.

Peace and love.

J.

Back in the Saddle Again...

Yup... I did it!  I joined softball.  This time it feels different.  Not very competitive, fellowship, no drinking, and like minded people.  I had SO much fun!  Made sure I didn't over do it.  Worried about my friend though.  Hoping she isn't thinking of using again.  Thats the hardest part of being a part of such a great program, you lose people. 

People you love, trust, and are close too.  POOF! One day they go back out to the darkness.  The disease takes them away.  You can wait for them.  You can pray for them.  But you cannot save them.  So frustrating and really really sad!

I need sleep...lots and lots of sleep!

Feeling these feelings...

What is it about music?  It makes me feel safe, sad, happy, anxious, loved, lost.  Music had a huge part in my coming out and my relationship with Tree.  I loved her so deep.  So much.  I mean how could I still hear music and think of the deep feelings with her rather than the sleepless nights and the accused heart.  I miss her.  I miss her playfulness and her smile.  Her love for nature that we shared.  The great convos we had on the deck.  The beach, the woods, the summer!   Today I will sit in these feelings and just feel them.  Cause I need to grieve it sooner or later.  So today I will grieve. I will listen to music and thank my God for the time we shared.  The past is done.  Its not happening today so why act on it.  Thank you my HP for the time you gave me with Tree.  I wish her peace and love.


J.

 

 

Resentments

I hate resentments. They only hurt me. I get so frustrated with anger. I am told just to feel it. I wanna act out on it. I want to be mean and blame and give it away so I will feel better. Just feel it they say.

Had a great weekend of fellowship. Felt good to be with people all weekend. I need to remember the awesome feelings I had with the girls. Laughing and being real. Honest and fun! I've come a long way and I am happy. The resentments are a reflection on myself not anybody else. Get into the solution. Change my own path and pray.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!