Your eyes...

I can't sleep. I am calm and very content, but I can't sleep. If I dig deep down to those damn things we call feelings, I almost feel excited.

I wrote a silly poem a while back and I just reread it....


I recognized your eyes ...
The day I first saw you, I recognized your eyes.
The first time I hugged you, I remembered what you felt like.
The first kiss we shared, I sank into your arms.

I recognized your eyes.

You must have been my past. The one I tried to find before. Many failed tries leading to the end. Heartbroken and failed.

You must be my present. Given a second chance to live in love. To live with knowing we deserve to be loved in return. With no judgements. With no demands. Just growing and  learning. Mistakes are lessons not endings.

You must be my future. Loving you is a gift. We mold our lives together. Knowing that we were meant to share them. I know this because...

I recognized your eyes.


 I feel that when I look into your eyes, whether it be a photo or in real life, I recognize them. It takes my breath away every time. I realized tonight that as a libra I search and strive for an equal balance. When things are uneven I tend to have anxiety. Balance, ying and yang. Black and white. The equal space I give each photo I take. It all adds up. You are my ying. I see balance in your eyes. Trust. We have almost been together 9 months and I still daydream about you. I feel each day I couldn't possibly love you more and then I do! These next few weeks and even months are gonna be tricky. I will do everything in my power to remain strong for this change. I love you so much

Goodbye Christmas...

 

I didn't grow up with one specific religion. I played on a catholic softball team, went to a Lutheran youth group and twice a year celebrated the singing Christmas tree and the story of Easter with my grandma at the Christian life center.  I even dipped myself a little in the Unitarian church after I came out.  This being said I don't have a particular religion that is important to me. I do believe that if the group are good people and are living by moral human standards than, to each their own. Isn't that we are all searching for really, fellowship, love, faith and compassion?  Believe in the God or Goddess or Tree or Unicorn you want! 

 

That being said I am deciding NOT to do Christmas this year!! OMG GASP!!! Yes, I know. Not going to store after store to look for that one toy every kid wants because the TV says they want it.  Jacking up credit cards to pay for the most expensive presents your teens “need”.  I can’t do it.  I am sick of people walking up to my kids asking them what they want for Christmas and they reply “xbox” or “macbook”   Why not friendship?  Why not snow?  Why not a great meal?   Now don’t get me wrong.  I love Christmas.   I love the music, the smells, the food, the compassion that comes from normal non-compassionate people.   But the commercial part is not ok for this mom.  Not only do I have limited funds but its just plain greedy! 

 

This year I have decided to do a spin on things and celebrate Hanukkah!   I know Hanukkah and Christmas have absolutely nothing to do with one another other than they fall around the same time.  I have been doing my research.  I know this is technically not a religious holiday.  But all the same, it is something new to teach my children.  I also know there is a “gift giving” part to Hanukkah if you do choose too.  This year we will study the celebration of lights together.  We will light the menorah and we will sing dreidel, dreidel, dreidel.   We will try different foods and watch movies that have to do with the Jewish tradition.   I am pretty sure most will think I am crazy to miss out on Christmas tree decorating and playing Santa Claus for the 17^th year, but no I won’t.   What I will enjoy is my kids learning something new.  Trying new foods and maybe just maybe teaching them that the holiday season is not all about video games and new shoes.  Maybe it can be about taking those new shoes to another kid that needs them.

 

 I am sure we will go back to Christmas next year, but maybe this time we will dive into the compassion part of it and give rather than receive.  Teach them the meaning of Christmas that was taught to me.  My mom used to tell me “Believe in the magic of Christmas” 

I believe in the magic of people now!!

 

 

Mazel Tov

Want monkeys....

I used to tell my kids every time they said they wanted something that the "wantmonkeys" were going to come get them.  How morrbid of a statement is that?  Here they are just wanting something and instead of teaching them to go after what they want I put the fear of a crazy monkey coming to get them.

Wow! That had always been my thinking. Instead of actually wanting something and making a plan to get it, I just assume I can't have it.  Does it stem from not feeling good enough? I don't deserve it?  Cause in reality there is nothing wrong at all with wanting things. It's the action we take to get those things we want. I am responsible for all my wants.  If I want a nice car, I need to work hard to be able to afford that car. If I want my kids to help clean up, I need to teach them how to clean.  It's all perspective and very simple.  

I heard something tonight in the meeting. To get more self esteem you have to get out of self.  So true!!  When I am totally focused on myself and all the wrongs that are done to me or the things I don't have I totally sink into self pity and depression.

I want a lot of things.  Some things might be unrealistic, but not impossible. Nothing is impossible and I have the capacity to make these things mine. I just have to fight for them and take the reins. Stop waiting for somebody else to save me. I am my own hero. I am my own victim. I choose what one to live in. 

Things happen for a reason. People come to you for a purpose. Everything has meaning and is validated.  

From now on when my kids say they want something, I want to help them come up with a goal to reach that want. It may or may not work and that's ok. But to teach them they are not even worth the try?  Breaking that cycle tonight!   

Love and peace. 

J.

sleeping to dream about you...

I love you...

Gravity

grav·i·ty

ˈgravitē/noun

noun: gravity

1. the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass. For most purposes Newton's laws of gravity apply, with minor modifications to take the general theory of relativity into account.

 

Today this word has come to me in song by two different artists.  Two songs I enjoy very much and listen to on a regular basis.  Both songs sing of heartache.  They do not speak of attraction or falling for somebody.  I think gravity could definitely go there. 

 

(the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass)

 

An attraction that is mutual is pure gravity.  It's joy.  It's love.  It's together.  It's core.  It's soul level.

 

Heartache gravity its sadness...despair...depression...loneliness.

 

I have felt the gravity in which the songs I listen to speak of.

 

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. ~ Sara B

 

 

Gravity is working against me  And gravity wants to bring me down  ~John M

 

Today I experience a new gravity.  I have the attraction to something that I feel pure love for.  I think I have felt this 3 times in my life.  The three babies that came from my body.  This is all! 

 

My mind is clear of alcohol...It has been now for 7 months.  I have so much to learn about myself.  I have so much potential once I clear my mind of the distracting voice in my head.  That voice is leaving. 

 

I will have my time...my life...my gravity.  Best part about it?

 

Its shared with an amazing woman.  She is definitely my gravity!

 

 

Selfish

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

Too many of these kinds of people. Seriously. Why America?  

who reads this?

I notice that people are reading this but who is it?  Random people looking for Jessie J?  People online going through blogs?  I must know!!!!!!!!

 

 

Who are you?  Where do you come from?   Why is my life so fucked up today???????

 

 

 

I. can't.stop.eating!